closed door

vrijdag 13 mei 2016

Hi you guys.
Why did I just do that ? What ?
Post a picture of a closed door.

First of all, I had to find a way to express how I feel lately.
I've been a serial-bad-sleeper. For months. 
Normally I'm the one with the most energy, ambition and laughs.
Lately, I haven't been like this, at all. I've been a wreck. 
Inside I feel numb and although I try to stay positive towards everybody, I honestly can't feel anymore. 
I react but on auto-pilot ; I act like I 'feel' and show empathy but in reality it's 'empty'. I do cry but mostly when I feel attacked or wrongly addressed to.
My mood gets real bad when someone pushes my button. I over-react, can't tone down or canalize my feelings.

So here it is, the reason why I sleep this bad is due to depression.
I couldn't believe my ears ; I went to the doctor yesterday to talk about medication for my sleeping-problems. 
Apparently I ticked all the boxes for a classic case of melancholia.

So, I now need to work on myself, if ever with the contribution of medication. I'm not sure if I really want to go this way.
First, I just need to digest this news and ask myself How did I get here ?

By writing it down, it feels surreal, hard and out of character, albeit it's not that crazy.
About 10 years ago, I suffered from a bad case of loss of sense when I got submerged in a period of extreme stress. 
I had to be admitted for 4 days to make sure I did not harm myself.
I never talked about it, no ones really knows due to shame.

I'm writing it down now, in case something should happen or when I should crash.

So sorry I had to bother you all with this news.

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